Thursday, October 27, 2011

I Am Still Alive...For Now

I totally fell off the blogging wagon, my friends.
It is true.
Have no fear, the kids haven't killed me.
I am still alive...for now.

I feel like maybe I wasn't sure what to say, or how to say it. Being a foster parent means that I can't share many details and I just didn't know how to chat about life without them. And frankly, I have a lot less time.

I have to admit that I have been quite overwhelmed during the transition of CM into our home. I struggle to keep 4 kids in 4 different schools and their bus schedules and homework straight, as well as making it to therapy and doctor appointments on time. I have also been learning the ropes at a new job, trying to reduce the catastrophic impact that 5 kids can have on a house, the pantry, and the laundry, as well as trying to do more meal planning. (By the way, I have nothing planned for tonight's dinner.) And most importantly, I have been trying my best to answer hard questions and to protect little hearts.  I ache to give them each more undivided attention.

There have been episodes of regression, anger, sleep routine disturbances, defiant and attention seeking behaviors, sadness, and a tad of chaos...from any given member of this family at any given time. My dear hubby is the only sane one at times. No seriously, there has also been a special birthday party and many sweet moments, where hugs, kisses, and giggles are plentiful.  I am getting better at doing black hair and also love being called "Mommy" to each of them.

I am certain that God knows what he is doing. However, sometimes I feel like I don't. Sometimes after everyone is in bed, I fret about what I did or didn't do right with one or more of them, especially since behaviors are more consistently directed at me vs. my husband (which drives me crazy, of course). Honestly, I have prayed more in the last few weeks more than I ever have.  I have read other posts from adoptive moms and I find comfort knowing that we are not the first family, or I am not the first Mom to get a little "shook up" while everyone shifts and adapts to each other.   I also find comfort in my close friends and family who have prayed for and supported us along this journey. (I love you all!)  And my husband, I just can't say enough about his ability to love, accept, and calm me.  He is so strong and steady, and exactly the partner I needed in my life. 

I am in awe and inspired, by other foster/adoptive/large families who are much further along in their journey of learning to embrace the chaos, redefining their priorities, and ultimately giving their worries over to God.
I find myself praying something like this..."Dear God, I am tired and frustrated.  I am so sorry for the times when I am too quick to anger or frustration.  Forgive me.  I really don't even know exactly what I need to pray for.  You do.  You know what each of these children needs.  Help me to say the right things.  Please God, help us to give them each what they need. Please heal and protect CM's little heart. We can't do it without you."

It is silly (not to mention impossible) but I want to fast forward past the transition, the disruption, the shifting. 
I just need a little peek at how His plan will play out.
I want CM to feel so embedded and loved in this family.
I want each of us to have trouble remembering what it was like before we were a family of 7.
Before we were complete.

Life is so busy and a bit messy right now, but it could be so much harder.
It is getting better everyday.
We are blessed and this new family is an answered prayer.
I know that.
I love these kids and our life.

...I just need a good nap :)

2 comments:

Carrie said...

:)

Tricia said...

Nap?? You need a VACATION!!!! Alone.