The weather today stinks!! Anybody else agree? Instead of dwelling on it, I have to decided to focus on the bright side...tomorrow at this time I will be aboard a plane. Destination...Ft. Lauderdale. Forecast...82 degrees and mostly sunny. Duration...3 days. Is my family going too?...Not this time. I am actually traveling with my BFF (Yes, I know that I sound like a 12 year old. I don't care.) to visit her father who lives there. She affectionately calls it "Ft. Liquordale." She saw that I was stressed and thought that this could be fun for both of us.
Sounds great doesn't it? I am really excited but there seems to be a little self-doubt/guilt, which in motherhood, there is always more than enough to go around. First, I know how much we miss my husband when he is gone for work. I also know how hard it is to meet everyone's needs on a daily basis much less when the spouse is outta the house. I haven't traveled by plane since we were the proud parents of only two children and the oldest was 3....she is now going on 9 years old. I have only been away for one night at a time for continuing education classes or to be with a friend at her mother's funeral. "H" and I haven't traveled together without the kids since "P" was 3 months old (He'll be 7 in April.) and that was a must for his job, at the time. We missed the kids but had a blast. "H" and I were planning to escape for a long weekend to NYC last spring to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. So what stopped us? Our sweet baby "JJ" arrived and we were more than happy to hold off for a while. We haven't yet pursued it because we are hoping to adopt her first. And frankly, finding care for 4 kids with lots of appointments and a dog is a little daunting.
I love being with my family and I enjoy this chaos of our own making. My husband and children are all I've ever hoped for and I am blessed. However, I must admit that, over the last few months, I have felt the weight of managing a household; raising 4 kids; participating in multiple weekly therapy and doctor appointments; missing my Mom; maintaining relationships; working part-time outside the home where I take care of other people; being a Girl Scout leader; meeting the demands of being a foster parent, as well as feeling the emotional strain that enduring the "process" while hoping for an adoption has overwhelmed me at times. This is not intended to be a list of complaints just a statement of my reality. The unfortunate truth at our house is that my mood positively or negatively impacts the overall mood of our household and I have been a little less positive lately. Wow, that is power I never expected! Now to use it for good not evil...that is the challenge.
So why am I going...and why without them? Simply, mommy needs her own business trip. I need to refuel and recharge. I need to regain a healthier perspective. I need to enjoy some uninterrupted conversation with a friend of 17 years. Also, I need to have a little fun. After all, in the plane, don't they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help others?
I have to thank my dear husband and friend for suggesting we do this. My husband never hesitated when I asked if I should take her up on the offer. (Thanks honey.) He is very capable of running the show, so I don't have worries there, except that the kids won't want me back after a weekend with him. I just don't know what to expect when I can pee alone with the door shut and not have to cut up meat for other people. I don't have to be at one appointment or fill out one piece of paperwork. Best of all, no winter coat!
Well this blog has been therapy enough for me. I feel the self-doubt fading. I am now feeling pumped. (Yes, I still say pumped.) This is a great opportunity and I plan to make the most of it. I know that I am going to miss my little stinkers and the hubby like crazy, of course. They know that I love them no matter where I am. I just hope to return a little more refreshed and energized. After all, they all deserve my best. Ft. Liquordale- here we come!!