It's Just a Name, Right??

As you know, I am the mother to 3 biological children.  I have also been the foster mom and hopeful-to-be adoptive mom to "JJ."  We have been together since she was 3 weeks old when we picked her up from the hospital.  She is now 15 months old and day by day, and month by month, we seem to get closer to the moving target we call adoption.  Not until the last week or two, did the conversation/question of changing her name come up with some people involved with the case.  I see that as progress because we are getting closer but it is also giving me an ulcer.  There is a lot of differing opinions in the adoption community.  Do you change it completely, just a little, or not at all?  Will she feel that her birth name wasn't good enough for us?  Will it confuse her and all the people that know her as "JJ?"  What is the best way to protect her/our anonymity?

I have been afraid to "put the cart before the horse" because I have had to practice restraint (which is not my strength) due to the element of uncertainty in foster care.   But on the other hand, I also know that no legal document will change my love and commitment to her.  She is my daughter until someone tells me otherwise.  She has a piece of my heart that can never be returned.  She just happens to have a birth mother, birth father, Heavenly Father, and a Mommy and Daddy. I don't own her, nor do I want to.  I just don't know how to love her any other way.

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to discuss baby names. I'll name your kid if you let me. Usually I push for "Krista" or "Kristopher" for obvious reasons but no luck so far.  So why is it so hard this time?  It is because we are used to her name and she is used to her name after 15 months.  Also, I am used to naming a baby that is in my belly and in my dreams, not in person.  JJ has a distinct personality and characteristics and we want her name to match, so some names that I have always loved just don't fit.  Other names are too popular now.  Some just don't sound like a name that would be professional on a resume.  (I know, I am over thinking it.)  Plus, our children have family names or derivatives of family names for both their first and middle names.  By the time we got to the fourth kid, it was harder to fit that in.because we had already used 6 names with the other kids. 

H and I discussed her name in at least 20 conversations and never resolved anything.  So I asked each kid to vote yet prefaced it by telling them that I reserve the right to not go with the majority.  Finally, on Sunday H and I agreed on a name.  It honors family members we love and also incorporates a little of her birth given name.  L loved it!  J plainly said, "No, I'm going to call her JJ."  PT said that he didn't like it until I told him that her initials would be the same as a superhero's girlfriend.  Then he casually said, "Okay."

Poor JJ couldn't vote.  Yet another decision made without her input.  I just hope that she knows that her name was chosen with a lot of love.  It took a lot of consideration.  Now, I need to patiently wait to hear if we are any closer to adoption.  When we get there, we'll be ready!  

The Gym: Acting 101

So I went to the gym tonight.  I know, it's a miracle.  I met up with a friend to take a class called "Strike."  Essentially, it is like kickboxing with a weighted bar as a lovely bonus.  You can even grab some weighted gloves too if you like.  The instructor is friendly and so very energetic. The music is loud and motivating.  My favorite tonight was a juiced up version of "Wild Thing." You get the picture.

I used to dance and play sports...a long time ago and am now not in my fitness prime.  However, I know that something has to change.  After all, I have all of these kids and should probably try to be around for a while to raise them.  I really do not like working out.  I can't stand paying money for the gym.  I hate my workout clothes. You get the point.  

So why would I join a gym when I have a treadmill and go to a group fitness class??  Why is that my best option??  Pure vanity and pride.  I will kick, dance, punch, or zumba for the whole hour at the highest intensity that I can handle.  I do it because I have some fun and want to be healthier, but frankly I don't want to look like an idiot.  You know what I am talking about.  There's a lady twice your age or a pregnant woman in the class doing great.  I feel like I at least need to try to keep up.

Essentially, I fake it 'til I make it.  Really, the workout class is more like an acting class for me.  When the instructor yells out, "Don't your arms feel AMAZING?"  On the outside, I smile and might even give a little cheer with the others.  On the inside I am screaming, "No! They feel like they are going to fall off and if I could pick them up, I would hit you with them!"  So if you see me at the gym and you see me smiling, shakin' my hips, or boxing like Mohammad Ali, you will know the real story.  Underneath it all, while I am having some fun, I am probably wishing that I could just fall over and eat a brownie in front of you. 

I am going to try to keep it up.  Wish me luck.  What's your workout motivation like?  Any fellow actors out there?? 

Sunday Funnies: The Very Little Sis

What you may not know is that I am 11 years younger than my sister, Cami.  Now that we are adults, that doesn't seem to matter as much but when we were young, it made a lot of difference.  Picture it...I am just learning to read and she is starting to date.  I am learning to ride a bike without training wheels and she is learning to drive a car.  I am starting preschool and she is taking exams.  Well, today I was thinking of a few times that are funny now but undoubtedly embarrassing to her at the time.

*The waitress at Frisch's noticed that Cami and I ordered the same drink...vanilla coke.  She stated that it was so cute that mom and daughter ordered the same thing.  Wow, that's a young mom but I guess it happens sometimes, right?

*I remember sitting at the dinner table with Cami and her boyfriend.  All of a sudden, I must have decided that I couldn't handle the texture of the food I was eating so I just opened my mouth and let everything fall out onto the plate below.  I thought that she would die of embarrassment.  FYI, he survived.

*I enjoyed playing with the battery powered Hot Wheel monster trucks.  To be a nice guy, her boyfriend let me hang around and play while they talked.  The next thing you know, I had "driven" the truck up his arm and into his stylish 80's hair.  The monster truck wheels spun in his hair and wrapped it up into a terrible mess.  I still don't remember how we solved that one.


*The mailman came and I rushed to retrieve it.  Inside the mailbox I saw a sample sized box of Tampax.  I loudly announced, "Cami, your plugs are here!"

*Cami and her friends used to get me to stick my tongue out and pretend to be a member of the band "Kiss."  Then one of her friends taught me some colorful words.  When I went back upstairs I politely called Mom several new words.  Mom's face changed quickly and she yelled, "CAMI!!"  She still says that I used curse words appropriately for a little kid.

Well she still speaks to me anyways.  Did your sibling ever embarrass you?

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Today's internet joke

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Read more:  http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteAlAzar.asp?#ixzz1FrjF6N2F

Sharing Saturday- Week 3

This week is PT's choice.  As a wrestler, he was involved in a wrestling event called "PIN Cancer" this year.  One of our district administrators is fighting cancer and this event was a sign of support.  Our family has also been touched by cancer several times, including my mother who had breast and uterine cancer. When we browsed local website for local causes, he instantly wanted to donate to The Dragonfly Foundation.  This organization was recently started when one family noticed that while the young boy that they loved was being showered with support and distraction during his chemotherapy treatments, other kids in hospital were not.  While I am not personally involved, I have a few friends that are and speak very highly of the work that they have already been able to accomplish in a short time. 

It is their mission "to bring comfort and joy to children being treated for cancer and other blood diseases at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center." They go on to state, "We are determined to provide distractions that will help ease the pain and fear these children and their families experience on a daily basis.  With time of the essence, The Dragonfly Foundation is acting quickly to provide comfort and joy to children living with, and sometimes dying of, cancer."

On their website, there is a tab labeled Connect where you can see various ways to become a dragonfly.  PT is currently a little indecisive due to multiple options but is leaning toward buying a toy or new art supplies.  I told him that we'll take some time this week to think about it.  What I didn't expect is that he got choked up.  He said that he thought it was sad that there are some kids that have to go through that.  He even said that it was a little scary when his best friend missed school for an asthma attack.  Then he said that he was afraid he'd get cancer.  I talked to him about that and explained that you can't "catch" cancer and that we are blessed to live in a world with great doctors and treatments.  He perked up and ran off to play.

So in the middle of the stress of getting all four of them fed, bathed and ready for bed, I had to pause and feel thankful.  I am blessed to have healthy children and we all are blessed to have many organizations like The Dragonfly Foundation to help when it is most needed.  So the kids got to play a little louder and longer tonight.  They stayed up a little later and the three oldest camped out in the girls room together.  We took time to pray for the people giving and those needing help and thanked, God, for our health tonight. 

I encourage you to check out their website.  There are great video clips and a clearer picture of their mission. 

I Just Got Told!

Today was report card day.  "L" and "PT" got off their buses and handed them to me.  It was good news all the way around but what happened next was the real surprise.

"PT" met a goal that he had been wanting to meet and he was thrilled.  He danced around and smiled ear to ear.  What pleasantly surprised me was that "L" cheered for him and hugged him and completely stopped talking about her own success.  She declared, "This deserves a ceremony." 

"J" and I were directed to our seats (on the couch) while she introduced "PT" in grand style and had him repeat some words after her.  Then he was directed to show his "moves", which look a lot like break dancing!  After a while, he put on a similar ceremony to celebrate her successes. 

I sat.  I watched.  I cheered.  I engaged.  Then after a while, I messed up. 

I picked up my phone and texted a friend.  "PT" turned around and looked right at me and said, "You are using your phone! You should be watching your daughter."  I quickly replied, "Buddy, it's been like 20 minutes. I was just sending a quick message."  (As if that was justification.) Without hesitation he said, "Well you should just enjoy your daughter for 20 minutes then." 

I stopped talking and put down my phone.  I looked him in the eye and said, "PT you are right.  I am wrong. Forgive me."  That kid started pumping his arms in the air and bouncing up and down like he was the new Rocky and had just knocked his competitor. 

What can I say?  The kid was right.  I was a jerk.  I'll try better next time.

Has you ever been "told" by your kid?

Retail Rants and Raves: Mott's for Tots

Today I made my way to the grocery store.  I found myself in the aisle with juices and something caught my eye. 

 

  Why would anyone pay the same amount ($3.69) for a juice that is "fruit juice + purified water" as you would for the same brand of "100% juice?"  I don't get it!! That is the deal with Mott's for Tots.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that juice is often diluted with water, especially for really young ones.  I've done that myself.  I also sort of get it that you might purchase the Mott's for Tots juice boxes purely for the on-the-go convenience.  But am I wrong that if you are buying a 64 oz. bottle of juice, you are probably using it at home??  Heck, if I could make my own label at home it would say something like, "100% fruit juice + plain old tap water."  I certainly am not going to pay extra for them to dilute it for me.  It would be like paying more for crappy beer because they had added more water for you.  It makes no sense.

Products that are targeted for babies and toddlers seem to be pricier than similar products appropriate for the whole family (i.e. individual containers with spaghetti-o's).  Has anyone else noticed this?  

Good Grief Part 2: Be Joyful

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mother's (Joy) passing.  I can barely believe that it has already been that long.  I blogged about my stages of grief in a post a year and a half ago and feel like an update is warranted.  Lately, I have been concerned about and praying for a lot of friends and family who have been experiencing the 1st anniversary of their loved one's death.  I know that I have always found the anticipation of certain dates and holidays to be a little awkward.  I find that sometimes, the moments when I think I will be a wreck, I do fairly well.  Other times, I am walking through a store without a care in the world and "You Lift Me Up" comes on over the intercom and I am suddenly a mess.  

I remember my first holiday season without Mom.  The feeling of missing her was exhausting me.  How was I going to enjoy Christmas and make it special for my kids with the way I was feeling??  I prayed for relief.  Then on Christmas Day, I found myself enjoying my kids, my family, and the festivities.  I didn't stop missing her but I felt better....and that made me feel guilty!!  I know it sounds stupid but it is the truth.  Finally, I realized that I was blessed and actually had my prayers answered.  

I have also found that I don't feel a greater connection to her when I am at the cemetery.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy visiting and I find it helpful.  It allows me to focus my thoughts on her in a beautiful environment.  We go as a family or I sometimes go alone to pray without interruption.  However, I have discovered that my greatest connection to her was in her living, not in her death.  In some ways, the cemetery represents an end to a stage in our relationship and reminds me of the saddest days of my life.  I feel a greater connection when I read and touch the words she had written, when I think of her life in Heaven, when I hear my kids talk of her fondly, or when I hug my dad.  I want to focus on her life.  Although three years have passed, her impact is alive and well.  In me, my children, and the people that knew her best.  

Nate Berkus talked about dealing with the loss of his partner in a tsunami, on the Oprah show.  Something he said really resonated with me.  Check it out below.

When Fernando's next birthday was approaching, Nate says he felt "horror." But when the day came and went, and Nate felt fine, he wondered what was wrong with him. "What I really realized for me was that the date actually doesn't have any power. The memory had the power," he says. "When I decided that I wasn't going to just automatically be sad in August and just automatically be destroyed in December, all of a sudden August and December weren't scary to me."

This makes sense to me.  I feel like you have to let the memories come when they come.  Feel sad when you feel sad but don't let that feeling stop you from functioning.  And most importantly, laugh and enjoy their memory whenever you can.  The best way to honor my Mom is to live well and take good care of her grandkids (which translates into spoiling them). 

I am also a lucky lady and I have always felt supported by the people in my life.  My husband is so good.  He isn't intimidated by my grief and it's unexpected appearances.  I know that he loved her too. I know that he will talk to me or just leave me alone if that is what I need.  I also get a daily email from the Brave Girls Club blog.  They offer words of encouragement and for some reason, most of them lately strangely seem to be talking about something that I have been dealing with.  It is like the horoscope or the fortune teller that eerily mimics your life.  Today's had artwork with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on it (My mom name is Joy and she was a breast cancer survivor.).  The words stated, "What if the purpose of life was to experience JOY?...What would you need to change in your life?  What would you need to let go, and what would you need to cling tighter to?  Well, life is supposed to be joyful...and it can be.  Hold on tight to what is important and precious, and let everything else go...And have a joyful, joyful, joyful day!"   It brought a little tear to my eye but I knew that the words were for my own good.  My BFF gets the same email and she saw the connection and when I got home from work, I was so surprised to see a flower bouquet from her with the card reading, "Smile and be Joyful today!" 

So how did I handle today? Well, like many days, I felt happy and sad.  I felt a little lonely, wanting to call and talk about the kids.  I found myself calling my dad to tell him that I loved him.  I still had to figure out what to do with those feelings and this anniversary.  Well, I did what Mom would do...I let the kids eat pizza in front of the T.V. (in pajamas) on the family room floor where a tent was enveloping most of the room.  And of course they had more dessert than I would normally allow.  The kids thought that it was a little funny that I was spoiling them like Mamaw.  I wish that it wasn't such a busy school and work night or I would have went all out.  It would have definitely involved her trademark fruit snacks. 

The day was filled with a little more "Joy" and a little less grief. It is just what she'd want for us.  So for those of you dealing with something similar, I pray that you might have comfort and many great memories that will help to overshadow the memory of your loss.