Five years ago today, I visited my Mom,
for the last time.
I had no idea that the very next day,
would be the worst day
of my life, so far.
Here I sit, thinking about all the big changes that occurred
in these five years.
Two more beautiful daughters.
A ton of parenting ups and downs.
More gray hair to color.
A couple of jobs later.
Baptisms, 1st Communions, vacations, recitals,
fun, and adoptions.
My grief has changed over time too.
Guilt and regret.
Must keep going.
Just keep positive.
Fond memories over shadowing the pain of losing her.
So sad my little ones didn't get to know her.
So blessed to have a great 32 years with her.
Filled with love for her and knowing she loved me.
Comfort in my belief in Heaven and my Mom's belief in God.
One thing has remained the same.
This ache, the missing her, is a new normal.
It is missing the phone calls,
her soft skin and long nails,
the way she hugged to avoid smudging her glasses,
hearing her whisper the 23rd Psalm when she was nervous,
the way she loved and spoiled the kids,
the way she could remember every one's name,
and fix and hem things.
Mostly, it is missing the way she was on my side.
It is often subtle and yet can sometimes overwhelm me,
when I least expect it.
These moments are often interrupted by life,
(kids screaming/fighting, cooking, work, friends)
and it reminds me to try to live a life that she'd love for me to have.
I am living a full and busy life.
I am happy.
I am able to talk about our Mom, and smile and laugh now.
I so blessed to be able to read
the last sentence she wrote in the journals she kept for the kids,
and cherish every single word.
"Until next time I love you!"
I also wrote the following posts about losing Mom,
if you care to check them out, below.
(The beginning portion/video may not be loading properly, sorry.)