Friday, March 1, 2013

Five Years Gone By

Five years ago today, I visited my Mom,
for the last time.
I had no idea that the very next day, 
would be the worst day 
of my life, so far.

Here I sit, thinking about all the big changes that occurred
 in these five years.

New house.
Two more beautiful daughters.
A ton of parenting ups and downs.
Two minivans.
More gray hair to color.
A couple of jobs later.
Baptisms, 1st  Communions, vacations, recitals, 
fun, and adoptions.

My grief has changed over time too.

Guilt and regret.
What ifs?
Must keep going.
Just keep positive.
Fond memories over shadowing the pain of losing her.
So sad my little ones didn't get to know her.
So blessed to have a great 32 years with her.
Filled with love for her and knowing she loved me.
Comfort in my belief in Heaven and my Mom's belief in God.

One thing has remained the same.


This ache, the missing her, is a new normal.

It is missing the phone calls, 
her soft skin and long nails,
the way she hugged to avoid smudging her glasses,
hearing her whisper the 23rd Psalm when she was nervous,
her humor,
the way she loved and spoiled the kids,
her cooking,
the way she could remember every one's name,
and fix and hem things.
Mostly, it is missing the way she was on my side.

It is often subtle and yet can sometimes overwhelm me,
when I least expect it.
These moments are often interrupted by life,
(kids screaming/fighting, cooking, work, friends)
and it reminds me to try to live a life that she'd love for me to have.

I am living a full and busy life.
I am happy.
I am able to talk about our Mom, and smile and laugh now.
I so blessed to be able to read 
the last sentence she wrote in the journals she kept for the kids,
and cherish every single word.

"Until next time I love you!"

I also wrote the following posts about losing Mom,
if you care to check them out, below.

(The beginning portion/video may not be loading properly, sorry.)


Carrie said...

This is a nice tribute to your mom & explanation of how it is for you. Looking at the pictures makes me smile, and you're absolutely right in living the life she'd want for you. A lot has changed and moved ahead without your mom physically by your side, but her extreme love for you & your family was so great & so apparent that she is able to spiritually be by your side and in your thoughts during important milestones as life marches on. Your strength is admirable! Thanks for sharing the path your grief has taken so far.

Anonymous said...

Everytime I read something you write about your mom, I am brought to tears. I only met her a few times, but she was memorable. She so clearly loved you and your kids...I understand why that ache never goes away. Thank you for so clearly articulating what it's like to lose a parent far too early. LAP

Tricia @ Take 10 With Tricia said...

Love you! Been thinking about you all week!

Krista said...

Thank you all for your sweet comments.

Anna at said...

Well, you made me cry my eyes out over here. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. I'm so glad that you're doing okay. And I'm so glad I got to meet you last week! ;)

Krista said...

Anna, thanks for stopping by! I am sorry I made you cry. Hug that awesome mom of yours tight. Great to see you last week as well!